My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.