[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
We’ve all been there
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.