Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
You Might Also Like
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I can’t be the only one 😂
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I am a gravy boat captain
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.