It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work