The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
You Might Also Like
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.