a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
yeah no that’s fair
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”