The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Good boy 😂😂
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG