Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
You Might Also Like
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
At least my masseuse has my back.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.