6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven