My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
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Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
liiiiiiiiike
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”