My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
felt that
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun