me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs