Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Breaking news:
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
A dad and his duck
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Software Development ⛵️
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?