shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Breaking news:
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*launders Kohls cash*
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.