Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
You Might Also Like
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.