Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
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3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
No YOUR a grammar nazi!