“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.