Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”