My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?