Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?