Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
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Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.