If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
saving face 👀