I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’m literally crying
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING