FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]