I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
SCARY COSTUME
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Not all heroes wear capes…
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…