There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
You Might Also Like
Only Americans understand
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
channeling her this year
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”