Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
i’m sure it’s fine
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My birthstone is kidney
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.