Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
shampoo implies shampee
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Think I pulled my liver