Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
School be like
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
A friend sent me this.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.