An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.