#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.