If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
nature’s most graceful animal
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.