me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.