I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.