WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
True statement👍😏😁
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
jesus christ confetti not now
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.