The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
mom gave me mine for free