[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food