whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
DOOO EEEET
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”