Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.