Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
i now pronounce you bounced.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.