Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”