Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue