I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
This is my brand.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me