My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
lmfao
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.