Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.