I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.