[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Never be a pizza!
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.