Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Please do it!
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”