wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Cndnsd Mlk
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.