One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes